Journals from Haiti (1)

Matthew 17:20- He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."


Although it was only 1 week, Haiti was one of the most eye-opening and life changing experiences of my life. The things we did and saw were devastating. I was able to keep a journal to try my best to remember everything God did with us but to actually share the experience, you'd have to be there with the sights, sounds and smells. The news, pictures and testimonies were not nearly enough to prepare me for what we were really going into.

One of the neatest parts about this trip was that it was so clearly hand-picked. The team consisted of 11 of us total and the only people who knew each other were me and Jack who had briefly met in Jamaica. Everybody was coming from different cities, states and walks of life in order to come together for our mission. Our travels started with 6 of us meeting in Orlando to take a van down to Miami. When we arrived in Miami, we met 3 more team members before flying to Port Au Prince where we'd be meeting the final 2. It was a definite first experience going on a trip to a foreign country with a group of strangers but man, thank you God for the journey.

After arriving in Port Au Prince, we were immediately able to see some of the destruction. The airport was covered with cracks and broken wires. Customs hardly existed, bags were unorganized and it was a definite enter at your own risk environment- we were lucky to make it out alive with all of our bags! I was fortunate enough to catch a ride with our Haitian brother Fenel up to Jacmel which is a 3 hour drive. The first hour and a half was spent with tears in my eyes as we drove through the destruction. The tent cities are indescribable. I had heard about these tent cities, but to actually be there and see tent after tent after tent with thousands of people forced out of their houses and into the streets was sickening. There was smoke from garbage burning, gigantic buildings brought to the ground everywhere you could see, mounds and mounds of garbage with pigs eating and rats scurrying, people bathing in the streets using only a bowl of water, UN and military trucks driving around delivering little bags of drinking water and for the first time I thought of the idea of dignity as a luxury. These people are forced to be in their situation with no choice but to bathe in the middle of the street. They have no privacy and until recently, they didn't have a toilet. Even now there are 2-5 porta-potties per city. To take a place that is already in terrible poverty and bring it crashing to the ground is hard to imagine. After I took a few pictures and asked Fenel question after question, he put on some Christian music... in english.

Now, it's a long story that will take up another page, but for me to get to Haiti was a huge test in faith. It took many months of God telling me over and over though songs, phone calls and prayer that Haiti was where I was supposed to be. During those months, I tried my hardest to get out of it after realizing I had $0 to finance the trip. After a final prayer of "God, is this really where I should be going," having the prayer answered and putting all of my faith in him, I made it. When I was riding in that car with Fenel, I had that wow moment of seeing what faith can do. There were many times I told Him that it was just Him and I because I had many of the closest people to me telling me not to and not only did God take care of me but I'm sure they've gained faith through seeing that He can move the mountains. As we were riding and I was awe-struck over what we were seeing, "Shout to the Lord' came on. I was looking at all of the people shoved shoulder to shoulder in these small areas with little to no shelter when I really listened to the lyrics. My comfort, my shelter... mountains will bow and the seas will roar... how powerful. As I was listening to the song, I saw a tap tap (Haitian form of transportation that I'll explain later) drive by that had JESUS written on the back, I saw scripture spray painted on the remaining rubble of crushed buildings, the beautiful sunset over the bright blue ocean and I was able to see some hope and beauty that I could only pray the Haitian people could see from under the tarps covering their heads.

After we were out of Port Au Prince we headed up into the mountains and it started to get dark. I looked in the sky and saw more stars than I've ever seen in my life. It looked like He spray painted metallic gold onto the midnight black universe. The only word that kept popping into my head was "freckled." I've on many occasions seen a beautiful night sky but they were nothing compared to the sky I saw from up in the mountains on the way to the mission house that night.

We made it to the mission house that night with a chicken and rice dinner waiting for us. I was told that we were staying in tents so the thought of an air mattress with a roof over our heads was pretty exciting. That night we met our amazing cooks and spent some time getting to know each other as we were clueless about what the week would bring...

I hope you had the time of your life.

I was doing my devotional this morning and thought this was worth sharing:

"Learn to laugh at yourself more freely. Don't take yourself or your circumstances so seriously. Relax and know that I am God with you. When you desire My will above all else, life becomes much less threatening. Stop trying to monitor My responsibilities- things that are beyond your control. Find freedom by accepting the boundaries of y our domain. Laughter lightens your load and lifts your heart into heavenly places. Your laughter rises in heaven and blends with angelic melodies of praise. Just as parents delight the laughter of their children, so I delight in hearing My children laugh. I rejoice when you trust Me enough to enjoy your life light heartedly"

Matthew 11:28-30... find some joy in knowing He has everything taken care of.

The last day in Jamaica was filled with emotions. I had my manicure, ate at Passage to India with Marjan, stopped in the grocery store to pick up groceries for Ryan and went to Dunns River Falls. I was too busy all morning to let myself realize it was my last day but eventually I found myself sitting between Gregory and Aaron, listening to music at my favorite spot looking out at the water thinking about the last month. The unconditional love, the hope, the joy, the friendships-new and old, the community, the lives changed, the laughs, the tears, the sweat and all of the memories. I realized I was sitting between two of my best friends in the world and the next day would be another "see you next time." It's hard because the whole time you're there, you meet new people every week. People you truly love and want to be friends with... and then they leave. It was harder and harder each week to say goodbye to new friends but it always helped having the guys there. As I was sitting there, I realized that it was my turn to say goodbye.

We spent the rest of the afternoon doing a "walk about" to hand out Bibles to people in Steer Town and visiting the 2 houses and school that were put up that week so the teams could pray over them. We started at the community center and went around until we ended up at the new school. Pulling up at the completed little yellow school room with red letters saying "Bright Beginners Kindergarten" and seeing Cynthia standing inside with a HUGE smile on her face was fantastic. She was so grateful. She'd prepared a presentation for Mr. Dusty and the team including a thank you card and a laminated certificate. We prayed over the school and spent a little time with the kids before heading back to the villas.

All day Gregory kept asking "are you going to the infirmary" and I kept saying yes I had to go bring Ryan the groceries... and he kept asking! I didn't figure out why until we were actually leaving to go to the infirmary. Gregory bought Donovan some DVD's and a cable that would connect his dvd player to the TV. How cool. We were all trying to figure out how to get a bus that would be able to run us over to the infirmary for a little bit without affecting the whole team's schedule. We were able to get Jeffery's bus and decided to go right before dinner. It was just me, Gregory and Marjan who hadn't been there all week. It's easy to scare people away from the infirmary because of the preparation we do beforehand. We explain what the infirmary is and pray together for strength and comfort which doesn't sound good to someone with a very weak stomach. Needless to say, after the week was over and she hadn't been, she really felt called to be there. Uncle came along for the ride with us so it was the 3 Jamaicans + Marjan and myself in the little bus... windows down, blaring reggae all the way to Priory.

I may have said this about each of the visits to the infirmary, but I really think this may have been the neatest visit. There were just 3 of us so it was much quieter and we were able to spend time with more people. I rushed the bags back to Ryan's bed so the ladies wouldn't stop me and then went back out to meet with everybody in the community area. Dolores came and grabbed my arm with no intention of letting go and Donovan told me that he was waiting for me. I looked over and saw Marjan sitting with Alex who is an 18 year old boy who's in a wheelchair and isn't able to talk. He has the most beautiful smile I've ever seen in my life and brings tears to my eyes every time I see it. Marjan was rubbing his face, singing to him with tears filling her eyes while he sat there with his breathtaking smile that takes away every problem in the world. Every ounce of me wanted to sneak each of them out of there and find a loving family to take care of them. I was filled with anger towards their families, specifically Ryan's. Knowing they live just minutes away and "can't manage" him... there has to be another option.

We couldn't stay long and the 2 minute walk out seemed to take an hour. Dolores held on to my arm and hugged me off and on all the way to the gate. The ride home was silent and filled with tears. We went back to have the leftovers from dinner and some short meetings. We ended up sitting under the stars and singing and praying for hours, trying to make the time stop so we could sit there forever. Eventually everybody went to bed and I sat up talking and crying with the guys until I couldn't keep my eyes open any more. I packed my things and laid in bed wishing the morning wouldn't come.

I woke up on the last morning and it somehow did not feel like the last day. I was in the mind frame that we'd wave goodbye to this team, lay by the pool and have the next team come in at night. It wasn't until Betty came and sat down with me that I really realized that this was it. The hardest part about leaving is knowing that you're leaving such close friends behind. We know they're taken care of when we're around but when we leave, they go back to their regular routine too. There really isn't any way to describe the feelings and everything that happened that morning. I saw tears out of grown men and felt things I'd never felt before. I've known for a long time that God's leading me towards missions full time and the moment before I was walking away from the busses with my luggage I was ready to miss the flight and stay forever.

Thank you to Jamaica. Your people, your beauty, your spirituality, what you've done in my life, showing me the way to God... there's nothing I could do there that could possibly match up with what you've given me. I can't wait until we meet again.

The past week I've been at Michelle's in Orlando. This is the best place I could possibly be when I'd usually be experiencing the post-missions reverse culture shock depression (whatever you want to call it...). Having Michelle here who is not only one of my best friends and a believer but has been to Jamaica so many times made it an easy transition. Not to mention having Ashlin and Ella to love on. I went straight to a craw fish boil for her step dad Ben who has been very sick the past few months. I finally got to meet all of her family and spend time loving on the girls and talking to Ben. I ate my first few craw fish... it took a little getting used to but I'm pretty sure I want to have an annual craw fish boil when I grow up and can afford it. ;) The next couple of days we went to Disney to stay at the Contemporary. What could have been a dramatic culture shock was soo much fun. We got to have breakfast with the cast (trying to determine every physical and personal detail of the people under the costume) and watched fireworks from the pool for the 4th. We saw Toy Story 3 which was AMAZING, spent some time at downtown disney and just spent time together. I thank God everyday for the people He's given me in my life and having somebody that is so loving and welcoming that takes such good care of me while I'm here is such a blessing... I don't deserve it!!

I leave tomorrow morning for Haiti and won't have any communication for a week. Please keep us in your prayers. We have a team of 10 and will be working with children from the orphanage, construction work and visiting the destruction. We'll be needing strength, health and safety.... no doubt God'll be providing for us. Please also pray for Michelle and her family. Ben passed away on Wednesday night and they'll be in need of strength as they continue to celebrate Ben's life here on earth. It's been truly beautiful to hear all of the kids talk about Ben as an angel spending time with Jesus. There's nothing like words from heaven coming out of the mouths of babies. I have been more than blessed to be able to spend time with the family and learning more about what a great person Ben was.

Thanks for reading. I'll keep a journal and update about Haiti next week. I am too excited to see what God has planned for us in Haiti- especially knowing how hard the enemy is trying to keep us away. :] I love you all.

Do you know what unconditional love feels like?

This week has been such a blessing for so many reasons. Every day God reveals Himself in a new and even more unbelievable way. This week was just another blessing as we saw lives changed and a continuation of bringing hope and love to the people of Jamaica.

Tuesday was the day for Cynthia's graduation! I mentioned in a previous blog that she asked me to speak to the parents at the ceremony. As weeks and days lead up to Tuesday, she'd call to ask what color dress I was wearing so she could get the right color corsage or call for the spelling of my name to put in the program and I started to get nervous! I typically don't have an issue speaking in front of people, especially when I'm so passionate about something, but with this speech in particular I had no outline, no topic and no idea what to talk about. I truly couldn't get over the fact alone that somebody I look up to for so many things had asked me to speak at the graduation- let alone that they'd want to hear what I have to say. I sat up Monday night praying that it would be God's speech and not my own and bbbammm He wrote it for me. Tuesday I took the morning off to tie up some loose ends and so I'd have a chance to get myself ready to be there by 2:30. Marjan (who is my AMAZING roommate this week) decided she'd come with me for some support. As usual, we were on island time and the graduation started at 3:30. There was a tropical rain in the morning so all of the mosquitos on the island went into the Steer Town Methodist church. Before we realized how bad they were we sat inside for a solid 30-40 seconds... all before I looked at my leg to see 8 of them taking blood. The speech went great and I was even presented with the most adorable "I love you" journal at the end!

Wednesday morning we started the interview process for the child sponsorships. After sharing the need for school finances on my blog and had immediate response, we decided it was something we could do consistently with donations throughout the year. In order to get the program up and running, we realized we needed to find our children in need before I leave this week. Dusty took the initiative to make the outline for our sponsorship website and Marjan and I started the interviews on Wednesday morning! We had interviews with all sorts of parents and children. When I say interview, it is not to "weed anybody out." We're finding out the general information about the child and writing mini-biographies so people can know something about the child they're sponsoring. We took pictures for 73 children and had well over 80 names/information (not all the children could make it there). As much as it was heartbreaking to see the parents and children fighting for their chance to get an education, it was all the while beautiful that God even let this happen. That we have no idea what He has planned for the program but have all the faith in the world it will be another route for answered prayers.

Wednesday afternoon was supposed to be my last trip to the infirmary. All of Wednesday I'd been realizing that my time here is dwindling down and the thought of leaving has me with a constant lump in my throat and an unstoppable quiver lip. I have to say that the infirmary this year has been the most powerful portion of my time. The true loving and honest friendships that I've formed there are so unique and raw that the thought of leaving them behind is heartbreaking. Due to my 300 bug bites from the graduation on Tuesday, I took a benadryl to make the itching and swelling go down. The night before, the benadryl made me stay up all night (although, that may have been God helping me write my speech...). Not Wednesday. I was soooo sleepy. Keeping my eyes open on the ride there was a challenge. As usual, I walked in and got my bear hugs and love from all of my friends there. Donovan was SO excited about the DVD player from last week! I asked him if he let Dolores use it and he laughed and shook his head no. After talking with them for a while, I made my way back to Ryan. We were able to get him a dictionary and I brought him the power strip CHWC left behind. That day was different not only because the benedryl had me too tired to talk but because any bit of noise that came out of my mouth would turn into a slight sob. It was nothing short of painful to sit there talking to Ryan knowing it was the last time I'd be spending time with him. I'd be going back to the states and he'd still be there... in the infirmary... with hardly an ounce of hope. We finally broke down whatever barriers were left and talked about his story, his family, what happened to him that put in in a wheelchair and in the infirmary. We talked about what happens when the teams aren't there visiting and the different things he sees on a daily basis. Everything we talked about made it 10 times more heartbreaking. I've developed such a "nothing is impossible" attitude that I want to be able to snap my fingers and see everything be okay. I want Ryan and all of the other people that are unjustly living there to be let out and given jobs, I want Tina and everybody in need of a house to find shelter for their families, I want to know that there is nobody going to bed hungry or without parents. I've been living and working with these people for years and I still can' t understand why I can still go home and live in excess when these people will still be here praying for what's next. The one thing that gives me comfort is knowing that the majority of them have more faith than anyone. We pulled away from the infirmary and the tears started flowing. Thank God for Corinne and her shoulder she let me use to cry on.

Throughout the weeks, the enemy has done what he can to stop us in our ministry. For me in particular, I know that taking a day/part of a day off any time to re energize if I'm getting tired. I've mentioned before, I have experienced some exhaustion in the previous weeks. There have been MANY afternoons that I've given consideration to taking a break but after some prayer for the energy, I always ended up going out. After about the 3rd time, I realized that every time I went out, I found my soul reenergized and something incredible would happen. Through seeing this pattern, I didn't think twice about going out every time I thought about taking a break. Today was just another one of those days that proved to be miraculous.

One thing I didn't mention about my infirmary visit yesterday was how amazed I was by Gregory. Him and Aaron have a very hard time going there because it's their people. They know that most of the families can do better for the people living there and choose not to. Yesterday, however, was different. In all of the trips I've made to the infirmary in the past month, Gregory has come with the team and listened to his music. He'll make a quick walk around, sometimes stand next to me when I'm talking to people and will go back to the bus as soon as he gets the chance. Yesterday was different in that not only did I see him help a man get dressed but he sat and talked to Donovan for almost the entire time we were there. Last night, Chris, Gregory and I were talking and Gregory explained his experience. He said it felt like the Holy Spirit was guiding him and forcing him to do things. He said that at one point, I said (loudly) "Hi Gregory!" Which made somebody else hear his name, which is how he was asked to help a man put his shirt on. After I'd walked away with Ryan, he saw a piece of Ryan's chair was broken so he went for tape. He was walking up behind us with tape to fix the part of Ryan's chair when Donovan called him over. He sat and talked with Donovan and Dolores about EVERYTHING. For whatever reason, Donovan trusted him and told him things about himself and the infirmary that I'd never heard before. On top of that, he shared with Gregory that him and Dolores really want to go to church but can't get out. When Chris and I were talking with him last night, he kept saying that if he had money he would want to build better beds for the people in there and get them motorized wheelchairs and better food. We told him that he should consider that God's trying to open a door there and that Donovan would appreciate him visiting to talk once a week more than any motorized wheelchair. Gregory could be a consistent visitor that could really change things for not only those people but for the condition of the infirmary. He said he was a coward and needed somebody stronger to go with him... Chris told him to pray for courage. It was AWESOME to see God working so hard in his life. After while, Chris left and Marjan came in and asked what we were talking about. When Gregory explained, she literally said word-for-word everything that Chris and I had already said. Gregory got up and was looking for cameras and speakers and I think that's when he considered it might really be God talking to him rather than me, Chris or Marjan. It was tooo cool.

This morning after another busy morning of child sponsorship interviews, we came back for lunch. Ryan called me and told me (matter-of-factly) he hadn't eaten at all today and was about to play video games. He wanted to know every detail of my morning and what my plans were for the afternoon and at one point was borderline begging me to go hang out there. He's reading a new book and was making plans for my next Jamaica visit to spend at least 1-2 hours a day teaching him. He said that even if he can't go to college he can still learn. Every time I went to get off the phone to eat lunch he'd spark a new conversation. I sat there realizing how hard it must be having no close friends in there. Part of our conversation the other day included him asking me if I have any special friends in Jamaica. I explained that Aaron is my brother by everything but blood and I've known Gregory for just as long and there isn't much I wouldn't do for them. Ryan could not wrap his head around the concept of such close friendships. The more I thought about it the more I realized that the closest person to him, his mother, lives 5 minutes from the infirmary and "can't manage" him with his other siblings. That's all he's ever known and to have these teams come and genuinely care about him is changing his views on life. Needless to say, after spending 45 minutes on the phone with him and having to decide between food baskets and infirmary for my afternoon, I went with the infirmary. It worked out perfectly because there was plenty of extra food for him and I needed to give him a book from Miss Betty... God always has these things worked out...

There truly aren't words to describe how real and beautiful it was there today. Everybody except Ryan thought I'd left so there was extra love all around. The team we went with was the team Betty's been facilitating so I didn't know any of them and they didn't know the typical 45 minute average for our time spent there. We ended up staying for 2 hours and it was the most loving 2 hours I've ever lived. I sat there with Donovan, Dolores, Ryan and Lauren and talked, laughed and joked. Donovan talked about how much he loved me and that he will count down every day until I'm back and his words were real, meaningful words and not one was said without tears filling his eyes. Dolores and I have spent most of our time smiling and laughing with each other but it's hard to communicate with her because she can't talk. Today I felt a connection with her that I hadn't felt before. I saw this side of her that was so caring and genuine that made me want to pick her up and squeeze her. She'd point towards my foot to point out an ant crawling across it, she picked a piece of a flower bud that fell on my leg and when she saw me struggling to reach an itchy bug bite, she scratched it for me. For the first time, she left the towel out of her mouth and had a permanent smile. We held hands, took pictures and talked about God. I told them that Gregory told me they wanted to go to church and we talked about possible ways to get them out on Sundays. After long conversation, Donovan and Dolores decided they wanted to get baptized! I left there today with the song stuck in my head about "my souls flying high but my feet are on the ground." Not only that but when I got home, Kay gave me a box of coconut drops that Cynthia sent home for me and Rosie the masseuse was here. The second I started to feel my soul start to come back to my body, Workey called to say he was going to bottle up some aloe for me so I didn't have to go home with such bad bug bites. I am absolutely dumbfounded at the people I have in my life. I feel more blessed than I've ever felt in my life that God's given me the people he has. So, so, so undeniably grateful. I wish words could explain feelings better than that...

Tomorrow's my last day and I can't wait for the baptism and to see where God shows up on the last free day of the summer.